I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
