1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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