Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
