He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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