He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
