Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
