just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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