So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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