you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
