1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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