I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
