I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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