Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
