i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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