I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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