i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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