I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
