chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
did you just send me my own nude
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
