I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
