is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
