I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
