It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
