I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
