My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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