worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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