"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Come on in and take your pants off
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