I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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