I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
