your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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