pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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