mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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