One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
