saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
