I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
