My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
