Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Congratulations! We have a period
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