This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
