My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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