things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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