don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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