my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
