yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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