the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i think my cat just said my name.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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