nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
