I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
