did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
