After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
