Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
