I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
