you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
