Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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