Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That accounts for only three of the penises
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
