I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
