Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
